So lets see...
Back in February of 2009, I had started a relationship with a girl that lasted 8-9 months. It was ungodly and behind my parent's back. They tried stopping it three times but I continued after each. On the fourth time they succeeded and took away all privileges and everything. So the relationship slowly faded away. I also realized that the girl didn't really love me because she immediately started dating guys like crazy after me. This broke my heart yet made me thankful that I wasn't in a relationship with her. I am glad my parents got me out of it. I was extremely rebellious to my parents, I was sinning against God, and I was a jerk to everyone and my family during that time. The only thing I learned in that 8-9 months was how to do a better job of sneaking around. That was terrible and extremely sinful on my part. Because of that it was easier to do it again in a different relationship.
After a month or two of staying out of a relationship and trying to do good again, I had started another relationship. It started by chatting on Gmail and the conversations slowly got more intimate and more personal. Then after a month or two of that I had asked her if she loved me. That is where it got bad. This relationship lasted 10 months and during this relationship I gave more of my heart, more of my time, and more of my energy and thoughts. At the same time I was trying to focus on college and God. Evidently the relationship took the number one position on everything. It was again behind my parents backs but this time they had no idea for 9 months. During this time I got my first kiss. We also shared our virginity with each other. At the time, this was amazing to me and it was a sign of true love in my sinful eyes. We thought we loved each other and we did, but this was not a Godly kind of love. It was a sinful worldly kind of love. It was probably more lust than love. I now regret loosing my virginity and this was about 2 weeks ago that they caught us. Before they caught us we knew that it was fornication and that it was a major sin. We didn't have God in us and I believe that because of that it was easier for that to happen. I am not using that as an excuse because it was certainly a choice, but its also what happens when God is not in your life. This relationship was on a totally different level then the last one, but the common thing in both were, they were formed out of a worldly lust and view and they were complete rebellion and sin. This one ended with my parents almost having to stop the ministry, which would have been really bad for this town. My dad does tons of work for this town and using my dad and mom, God has changed this town tremendously. If they had stopped then this whole town would have slowly got worse I believe. But, God is now doing a work in my life.
My parents sat down with me the night they found out and I confessed everything. They had a hard time believing it was everything because of how many times I had broken their trust in the past and I don't blame them for it. They talked to me about what I should have done and about why it was wrong and they have helped me a lot. I still look at them and can't believe they still love me. I have made some very bad mistakes and I wouldn't have known how to deal with a child either without making himself feeling so bad that he commits suicide. They are so amazing and God works through them in many mighty ways. I am glad that God has never left me through this time. Without him continuing to be refreshed in my mind and to be constantly reminded of him, then I think I would be in a much worse spot than I am now.
One of my biggest problems now is getting over this other girl. I am still feeling attached to her and if I didn't still feel attached it all would have been false and fake for 10 months but I knew it wasn't. I wish that I had not lead her into sin and that she was still pure before God, but now I have helped her loose each other's purity and it tears me up inside. I just wish now that God would be speaking to her and helping her through her tough times. I feel very responsible for what happened considering I was the one who started the whole "relationship", but it was a choice on both our parts so its not only my fault. I also believe that it is kind of part of the consequence of a sinful relationship that I can't get her off my mind. I just ask God to take away those thoughts because that is not what I am supposed to be focussing on right now. I hope his will is the result of all this. I do not want to fall into this trap again and I don't want to forsake him. yet I don't want to leave someone hurt and ruined because of a choice I was involved in. It would leave tons of guilt on me and I already feel very guilty.
The reason I am writing this is because its good to get all this out of my system and the Bible says: "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16 (ESV)
